Welcome to my new life posts

I suppose I need to do this right, I decided to redo this entry as I have no fully explained why I decided to make a blog. The first half is that in all, I feel alone, I don't feel like I have a relationship with the person I thought I loved anymore. I had 11 years of an amazing relationship, but to be thrown away either by myself or by the fact that the person I love views me as drama. So I am just going to be emotionless toward him and his friends from now on. 

Maybe if I am empty of all emotions, he will just try to talk to me, I would rather just be blank than deal with this right now. I spent an entire time looking at apartments and I am starting to realize how screwed over I am, I can't live on my own, which means I have to live under the roof with a person who I used to love, but also have to deal with a former friend who comes over and treats me like I am an inconvenience to him and his world. 

So I made a decision to never allow myself to emotionally attach myself to another person. I detest the idea of having mental connections to people anymore. The truth is that I don't view Love in the same light anymore, I see it as inconvenient or bothersome, its a wasted emotion to me. I used to think being in Love was a great and amazing adventure, but now I feel detached from it, I should just focus on my books and just continue to write without any thoughts of others to deal with. 

I spent my entire existence trying to exist, but I should have never attempted to connect with someone even if it is for the most briefest of moments in my life. Conversing with people is truly an amazing thing, but I should never show emotional attachment or love toward another human being, I am supposed to be asexual, its time I acted the part. 

Asexuals aren't supposed to have relationships, I made an utter fool of myself, and honestly, its a foolish moment in my life that I should avoid. People are awful and what makes it worse is that I can't express myself anymore, I just have to express no interest in any conversation or friendship because it just ends in hurt. 

I just feel that I should have just realized it was my fault in the first place, I shouldn't have said anything and just told my fiancé's friend that I'm not the one at fault. I should just allowed the yelling and being told it was my fault and that even if the toilet gets fixed I will get yelled at for something else that's wrong with everything. I will just stick it out for now, but honestly, I will also cancel my birthday because there is no sense to celebrate something because my friends won't be included. 

I think its for the best I remain quiet and just not speak unless someone wants me to, I should keep all opinions to myself. I need to not talk about Star Wars or any of my interests to anyone. I would just remain quiet and not talk unless its on FB about books, movies, and what I am working on in my own book. I think it is best to remain as mute as possible and just make it so that my fiancé has his way, I won't express an opinion, but do nothing if I get yelled at or treated like crap. After all, what use is there to be emotionally invested in a relationship, I will just go through the motions of being happy and pretend that everything is fine. 

I will just take Hawk's yelling and abuse, he can't physically do anything to me, so I will just stop emotionally caring and just pretend I'm a stick in the mud or at least in concrete. I did everything wrong as usual, so I shouldn't be surprised that I'm alone. It isn't as if I can ever do anything right in the first place, so I am just going to do everything wrong from now on, I will cheat on my fiancé and just pretend its OK to do.